All's Well That's Fire Emblem
by Onionbreath002
Summary: A FE parody of the Shakespeare Play All's Well That Ends Well. Rated because Shakespeare has innuendos everywhere you turn.


All's Well That's Fire Emblem

Cast of Characters – Opening Act:  
Priscilla, a gentlewoman of Reglay

Erk, Count of Reglay

Countess Louise of Reglay, Erk's mother

Kent – Steward  
Sain – Fool

Lowen – Page

Matthew, Companion to Erk

Hector – Marquess of Ostia

Oswin, Wise Ostian Knight

Marcus, First Lord  
Wallace, Second Lord

* * *

All's Well That Ends Well, Fire Emblem Style.

Act I, Scene I

"OH BOO HOO!" Countess Reglay's sobs wracked the castle as they carried out her husband's body. Yet, she was not only crying for her late husband's unfortunate departure from the mortal world.

"FIRST MY HUSBAND DIES, NOW YOU COME TO TAKE MY SON! OH WOE IS ME!"

Lord Oswin from the Ostian courts and Louise's own son Erk stood beside her attempting to comfort the grieving woman.

"There there mother… Father's passing was a sad occurrence, but I must go to the king. He has agreed to take care of me."

"Yes my lady." Oswin cut in. "You shall find the Marquess a husband." He turned towards Erk. "And you sir, a father. He is a good an virtuous man."

Erk pondered Oswin's words. "You mean mom's gonna marry Lord Hector?"

Oswin smacked the boy upside the head. "NO! I was speaking figuratively. Good lord, children these days."

"Speaking of the Marquess…" Louise cut in, saving Erk from more abuse. "How goes his illness?"

"Aye…" Oswin shook his head sadly. "He has abandoned all his physicians and well…basically he's just waiting to die."

"Oh! How terrible!" The countess cried. She looked to her left at a beautiful young girl. "This fair maiden's brother was a great physician. Oh how his skills stretched that it would've made nature immortal and death should have to play for lack of work. Oh too bad he died not a few days earlier. Else 'twould be the death of the Marquess' disease."

"What was her brother's name again?"

"Aye, the great Raven de Cornwall."

"Ahh yes…" Oswin's wise eyes twinkled. "The Marquess spoke highly of him. Too bad his skill could not guard himself from the grasp of mortality."

"And what does the Marquess ill of?" Erk asked.

"A fistula my boy."

"…What's that?"

"Hell if I know it." Oswin shrugged. He turned back towards the girl. "She's the sister of Raven?"

"Aye, his only sibling." Louise nodded. "She's under my charge now, with a bright future ahead of her. She's a good girl, honest, kind. Definitely a well taught one."

"Uhm…did you just make her cry?" Oswin asked pointing at the girl who was now sobbing lightly.

"The memories of her father plagues her yet." Louise said. "But cheer up my child, less all the tears dry up the life of your young maiden's cheeks. No more tears Priscilla, unless you affect a sorrow."

"I do affect a sorrow indeed… but I have it too." Priscilla said sobbingly.

"Ahh, my girl." Oswin cut in. "Grieving for your loved ones is quite natural, but if you cry anymore, you'll dry yourself up like a prune. Live on, and let the dead have their rest."

"And by living, you'll soon kill your grief." Louise agreed.

Erk cleared his throat loudly after this. "Mother, I should be going then."

"Yes, and with Elimine's Blessing you go. Be like your father and take his place Erk. Be good, strong, and don't abuse your position okay? I love you honey, take care. And you as well Sir Oswin, take good care of my son."

"I will do so." Oswin said.

"Thank you…farewell!" Louise gave her son a last kiss on the cheek before heading into the castle. Once his mother was gone, Erk and Oswin began to take their leave. Just before their departure, Erk turned to the demure young girl still lingering outside.

"There there Priscilla…be nice to my mother. She'll take care of you for now."

Oswin nodded. "Farewell, hope you bring good prosperity to your father's name."

With that the young count and the knight left, riding off to the capital of Lycia. Priscilla stood there, gazing at their retreating figures until they disappeared around the curve of the hill, and her held back tears flooded forth.

"Oh woe is me!" She sobbed. "My father? How could I think of my father at a time like this? I know not of what the man looked liked; my fantisies, all my imagination carries no favor in it but Erk's. Oh sweet Erk, there is no living, none if you're away! Yet why must I love one so highly above me? I am but a mere servant and he is my lord and master, yet to see him ever hour and draw his arched brows, and his hawking eye, and his curles… oh…but now he's gone…and my idolatrous fancy must sanctify his relics…. Whoa…who's there?"

Priscilla almost found herself caught in midst of a confession when a none to familiar face greeted her. She groaned at his smirking sight.

"Ahh…yes…the fool that goes with him. I put up with this one for his sake…but the devil is a notorious liar and a great coward."

The newcomer greeted Priscilla with a mocking smile. "Save you fair Marchioness Priscilla."

Priscilla simply smirked back and retaliated with her own sharp tongue. "And you Marquess Matthew."

Matthew grinned, he especially enjoyed messing around with Priscilla. "Are you thinking about virginity."

Priscilla held her ground and simply smiled back. "Aye, I was. So let me ask you this. Men are the greatest destroyers of our virginity. How many we women protect ourselves?"

"Why, you keep him out."

"Ahh!" Priscilla said jumping up as if coming to a great scientific discovery. "But he continues to attack our virginity, and though we put up a valiant defense, in the end there is none that will save us. Tell me, know you of any foolproof resistance against it?"

"Why there is none! Once a man sets down before you, there is nothing to prevent him from blowing you up."

Priscilla feigned a desperate and hopeless fainting act. "Oh bless our poor virginity from such blower-uppers. Is there any way virgins may as you say…'blow up' men?"

Matthew smiled, thinking that he had her. "Aye, the quickly thy virginity is blown down, the faster men will be blown up. But what of this foolish talk? Saving your virginity is a wholly unproductive effort towards society. The quicker you get rid of it, why the better. Once lost, virginity may be beneficial, but kept too long, it will never serve its purpose."

"Oh, but, I think it's quite useful, but I guess I'll die a virgin."

"Yes, there is nothing you can do about it. It's against the laws of nature to preserve your virginity. Virginity is an evil thing, and to speak for it is to speak against your mothers. Only sinners are virgins and it should murder itself and be buried as punishment for being such a vile and odious offence to nature. Virginity is like a parasite. It is peevish, proud, idle, and narcissist. Keep it not but lose it! If you do, you'll gain more than you'll ever have if you keep it. Away with it!"

Priscilla smiled inwardly. "So…tell me good Sir Matthew, how may one lose it to her own liking?"

"Unfortunately, be as it may be, the longer you keep it, the less it is worth. Better get rid of it while it's still in its prime. Virginity, like an old courtier, wears her cap out of fashion, richly suited but unsuitable, just like the brooch and the toothpick, which wear not now. Your date is better in your pie and your porridge than in your cheek, and your virginity, once it gets old is like an old withered pear. It'll be old, dry, and not at all succulent. Is that what you want to be left with? A withered pear?"

"Not my virginity, yet…" Priscilla smirked before running off into a dramatic monologue. "There shall your mast have a thousand loves, a mother, and a mistress, and a friend, a phoenix, a captain, and an enemy, a guide, a goddess, and a soverign, a counselor, a traitress, and a dear; His humble ambition, proud humility, his jarring concord, and his discord dulcet, of pretty fond adoptious christendoms that blinking Cupid gossips. Now shall he- I know not what he shall. God send him well. The court's a learning place and he is one-"

Matthew found himself unable to respond to the lovely lady in front of him after going off on such a dramatic discharge, but soon he found his wit once again.

"What is one?"

"It's something that I wish well. Pity."

"…Erm…pity?"

Priscila continued her raving soliloquy. "That wishing well had not a body in it which might be felt that we the poorer born whose fate was chosen by the alignment of the stars and make us follow others in our outward manifestations and tell us what we can think and never give us any thanks."

Then, saving Matthew from having to decode another line of confusing girl talk, a green haired page entered the scene.

"Master Matthew, my lord calls for you."

"Ahh, thank you Lowen." Matthew said to the page before turning towards Priscilla. "Well little Priscilla, until later, if I can remember you, I'll think of you at court."

"Oh, I'm honored." Priscilla seethed. "You were indeed born under quite the charitable star."

"Oh really?" Matthew said with interest. "I was born under Mars."

"Oh I especially think under Mars." Priscilla said purposefully leaning towards the young man in front of her.

Matthew's breath caught in his throat. "Why under Mars?"

"Why…" Priscilla got dangerously close before abruptly pulling away. "Simple, the wars have kept you, so you must be born under Mars."

Matthew, in an attempt to gain back a shred of his dignity. "OF course, when he was predominant."

Priscilla flashed a coy eye at him. "No, I think he was in retrograde."

"Why's that?"

"Because you go so much backwards when you fight." Priscilla flashed the poor man an innocent smile.

"Ahh, but that is for an advantage."

"Yes, as is running away when you're scared. But your combined courage and fear does well in you and gives you good wings."

"…Okay, I am so busy right now, I can't answer you correctly, but I will return and when I do I'll give you an answer. Then you'll know that you were wrong and will drown in your ungratefulness for my good advise. But for now, have fun, enjoy your virginity, and get a husband. Have fun with him as he would with you."

Matthew and Lowen then leave the smirking girl to her own thoughts, fully aware that the young sister of a great physician had just thoroughly burned the proud arrogant youth. The girl sighed as she watched the two disappear along the horizon. Once again she sighed as the distraction from her brief amusing interchange with Erk's moronic friend faded.

"Oy… what we can do ourselves we often pray to heaven for a remedy. The sky gives us a free scope, but only slows us down when we are too lazy to pursue our dreams. But…I don't know what in heaven or on Earth gave me a love or someone so high. No matter, for now, I must strive towards my work, after all, there has yet to be one who missed her love as she strove to show her merit. I'll concentrate on curing the Marquess of his disease right now. My project my deceive me, but my intents are fixed and will not leave me."

With that, the young girl walked determinedly back into Castle Reglay, with the gears of her mind in full motion.

End Scene


End file.
